i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Two words: blizzard sex
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
