You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
