He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
