You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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