I feel like abortions should bother me more
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
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