Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
