I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Also, beer. Big fan.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
