he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
