are you still at the devil's house?
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
