i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
FUCK WHALES
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
