She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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