so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
