So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
