: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
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