the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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