if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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