i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
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