that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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