So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
