i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
I could make wine with my vomit
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
