Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
