The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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