just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
