I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Randomize
