do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
