Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
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