I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
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