by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
