Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
you have to choose: penises or morals?
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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