false alarm. still invincible.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
