I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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