I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
