Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
