have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
found the other keg... it's in the tree
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
