I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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