so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
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