I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
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