I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
