The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
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