new low.... made out with someone while peeing
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
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