She went from zero to smokin in five shots
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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