If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
