I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
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