I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
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