He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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