so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
