somebody snuck up and got me drunk
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
and she was petting her beer can
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Randomize
