so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
