just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Randomize
