Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
