it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Randomize
